New Jokes and Humor

A Talking Frog

An older gentleman was playing a round of golf. Suddenly his ball sliced and landed in a shallow pond. As he was attempting to retrieve the ball he discovered a frog w
ho, to his great surprise, started to speak! "Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a week." He picked up the frog and placed it in his
pocket. As he continued to play golf, the frog repeated its message. "Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a whole month!" The man continued to play his golf game and once again the frog spoke out. "Kiss me,and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a whole year!"
Finally, the old man turned to the frog and exclaimed, "At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog!"





The Last Ticket

During a busy holiday weekend, a woman who was eight months pregnant went to the railway station to return home to her husband. At the reservation counter, when her turn came, there was only one ticket left.
Taking pity on a very old lady behind her in line, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which arrived with a small error: "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."





A Business Loan

A businessman walked into a bank in San Francisco and asked for the loan officer. He told the officer that he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer explained that the bank needed some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out, and the bank agreed to accept the car as
collateral for the loan. A bank employee drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 with interest, which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The businessman replied, "Where else in SanFrancisco can I park my car for two weeks for only 15 bucks?"





A Big Decision

A six-year-old boy walked up to his father one day and announced, 'Daddy, I'd like to get married.'
His father replied hesitantly, 'Sure, son, do you have anyone special in mind?'
'Yes,' answered the boy. 'I want to marry Grandma.'
'Now, wait a minute,' said his father. 'You don't think I'd let you get married with my mother, do you?'
'Why not?' the boy asked. 'You married mine.'






100 Penguins

A truck driver was driving 100 penguins to the New York Zoo when his truck broke down on the freeway.
The driver got out of the cab and was looking at the engine when a second truck driver stopped in front of him and asked if he needed any help. The penguins' driver explained that he was taking the penguins to the zoo and asked if the other man would take the penguins there. He agreed. Some hours later, the second truck driver drove
past the first one, who was still waiting on the freeway for help to come. The penguins, however, were still on the truck! "I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver. The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema now."






Supermarket Encounter


A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.








Do you deserve to enter heaven?


A man died and went to heaven. An angel met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, 'Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you - we've examined your whole life, and you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not sure whether we can admit you into heaven or not. Can you tell us anything exceptional you did that can help us make a decision?' The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, 'Yeah, once
I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of goons. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the gang. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him that he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!' 'I'm impressed,' The angel
responded, 'When did this happen?' The man replied, 'About two minutes ago'.




Return my horse!

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar,handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one
answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I did in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I did in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say
partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."






Chemistry Class

One day, the chemistry teacher asked his students, "What is the chemical formula for water?" Silly Suzie immediately raised her hand. "Yes, Suzie, what's the an
swer?", the teacher asked. Suzie answered proudly, "The chemical formula for water is 'HIJKLMNO'!" Her teacher looked perplexed. He asked, "What are you talking
about?" Suzie replied, "Yesterday you said the formula for water is H to O!"





Improve Your Memory!

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outst
anding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it has made a big difference for me." "That's great! What
was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" Then he turned to his wife and asked, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"



Just One Copy

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder. "I just need one copy."






Heavenly Golf


Moses, Jesus, and an older bearded man were playing a round of golf. Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It headed toward the water. Quickly, Moses raised hi
s club and the water parted, allowing the ball to roll to the other side onto the fairway. Next, Jesus came up and hit his ball toward the same water hole. This time it hovered for a few seconds over the water. Casually, Jesus walked over to it and chipped it up onto the green. The older man then teed up and whacked the ball which headed over to a nearby highway. It bounced off the top of a truck and rolled down the gutter of a nearby house, then landed safely on a lily pad in a small pond where a large bullfrog swallowed it. At that moment a large eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog. As they passed over
the golf course, the frog burped and the ball fell out of his mouth and into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, '' I hate playing with your dad.''






The Butcher and the Lawyer


A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $12.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a
check for $12.50. A few days later the butcher receives a letter from the lawyer: "$45 due for consultation".





Gray Hairs

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied "Well,every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little
girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Mom, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"





Three Rooms in Hell

A man dies and goes to Hell. The Devil meets him at the gates and says "There are three rooms here. You can choose which one you want to spend eternity in". The Devil takes him to the first room where there are people hanging from the walls by their wrists and obviously in agony. The Devil takes him to the second room where the people are being whipped with metal chains. The Devil then opens the third door, and the man looks inside and sees many people sitting around, up to their waists in garbage, drinking cups of tea. The man decides
instantly which room he is going to spend eternity in and chooses the last room. He goes into the third room,picks up his cup of tea and the Devil walks back in saying "Ok, guys, tea break's over, back on your heads!"







A Science Lecture

A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in yet another university when his chauffeur offered an idea.
"Hey, boss, I've heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off." "Sounds great," the scientist said. When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and settled into the back row. The chauffeur walked to the lectern and delivered the speech. Afterward he asked if there were any questions. "Yes," said one professor. Then he launched into a highly technical question. The chauffeur was panic stricken for a moment but quickly recovered. "That's an easy one," he replied. "In fact, it's so easy, I'm going to let my chauffeur answer it!"
Five Englishmen Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door Nationalities...
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"





*
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'
And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .


*
Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
"What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked. "Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric. "Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance.
"What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child.
The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"


*
At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000
and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it. From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted,
"I'll give £150!"



*
A customer ordered some coffee in a cafe. The waitress arrived with the coffee and placed it on the table.
After a few moments, the customer called for the waitress
"Waitress," he said, "there's dirt in my coffee!".
"That's not surprising, sir, replied the waitress, "It was ground only half an hour ago."

Collection of Jokes and Humor

Three lawyers and three engineers

Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them. ‘How are you going to travel on a single ticket?’ asked a lawyer. ‘Wait and watch,’ answered one of the engineers. When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the thre e engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet door and asked, ‘Ticket please.’ The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip. So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy any. ‘How are you going to travel without a ticket?’ asked one of the perplexed lawyers. ‘Wait and watch,’ answered an engineer. In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, ‘Ticket, please.’



A foreign tourist


A foreign tourist hired a guide to take him around Delhi and Agra. At the Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it took to build. “Twenty years,” replied the guide. ‘You Indians are a lazy lot,” the tourist said. “In my country, this could have been built in five.’ At Agra he admired the Taj’s beauty and asked how many years it took to build. ‘Only ten years,’ said the guide. The tourist retorted: ‘You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings in two-and-a-half.’ In this fashion the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the Qutab Minar, and the tourist asked what it was, the guide replied: ‘I don’t know. It wasn’t there yesterday evening.”


Where Is God?

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!



Efficient secretary

When an efficient secretary asked her boss for a raise in her salary, he turned her down, saying: ‘Your salary is already higher than that of the secretary at the next desk. And she has five children.’ ‘Excuse me,’ the efficient woman replied, ‘I thought we got paid for what we produce here—not for what we produce at home in our own time.’



Beethoven's Ninth

 The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."


The Zen Master

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hotdog vendor and says, "Please make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master. The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."





The Atheist and the Loch Ness Monster



 An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened its mouth waiting below to swallow them both. As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!” Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!” “God, come on, give me a break!” the man pleaded, “Just seconds ago, I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!” “Well,” said God, “now that you are a believer, you must understand that I won’t work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?” The atheist thinks for a minute then says, “God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also.” God replies, “So be it.” The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the monster. The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, “Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided.....”




 The Catholic Fish

 A Protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics, they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics, they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So when their neighbor began barbecuing some juicy steak on Friday night, they began to squirm. They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk, they convinced him to become Catholic.The next Sunday, he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said, “You were born Protestant. You were raised Protestant. But now you are Catholic.” And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying, “You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But now you are fish.”



You Know You’ve Been Online Too Long When...

Tech Support calls “YOU” for help. When you are reading something printed, you wish you could use a search function to get to the point. You check your e-mail over and over, even when you know there’s nothing there. You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won’t know you’re online again. You find yourself lying to others about your time online and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time. You type faster than you can think. You can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.


Scientists and God

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need You. We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t You just go on and get lost?” God listened very patiently and kindly. After the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this? Let’s say we have a man-making contest.” To which the scientist replied, “Okay! Great.” But God added, “Now we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.” The scientist said, “Sure, no problem!” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!”


Asmall farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came charging towards him. As horrified workers nearby watched, the boy calmly continued his milking. To everyone’s astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy, turned around and walked away . ‘Weren’t you afraid?’ one of the workers asked the boy. ‘Not at all,’ the boy replied , ‘I knew this cow was his mother-in-law.’

The Pope’s Golf Game

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. “Your Holiness,” said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.” The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?” he asked. “None that plays very well,” a Cardinal replied. “But,” he added, “there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, “ said the golfer. “Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope. “Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must’ve been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.” “There’s bad news?” the Pope asked. “Yes,” Nicklaus sighed. “I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes.”



Army of the Lord


A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The preacher said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher.” The preacher questioned, “How come I don’t see you except for Christmas and Easter?” He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”



Buddhist at the Dentist

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work?
 He wanted to transcend dental medication.




Mahatma Ghandi

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. Therefore: he came to be known as a: “Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.”




Buddhist Monks and the Prayer Flag

Four Buddhist monks were meditating in a monastery. All of a sudden the prayer flag on the roof started flapping. The younger monk came out of his meditation and said: “Flag is flapping” A more experienced monk said: “Wind is flapping” A third monk who had been there for more than 20 years said: “Mind is flapping.” The fourth monk who was the eldest said, visibly annoyed: “Mouths are flapping!”


Earl and His Friends

 Earl was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.” Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Earl how about Tom Cruise?” “Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.“ So Earl and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Earl! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!Although impressed, Earl’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Earl that he thinks Earl’s knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,” Earl says. “President Clinton,” his boss quickly retorts. “Yes,” Earl says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Earl on the tour and motions him and his boss over saying, “Earl, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.” Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Earl, who again implores him to name anyone else. “The Pope,” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Earl. “My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.” So off they fly to Rome. Earl and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Earl says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what: I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later, Earl emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Earl returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss’ side, Earl asks him, “What happened?” His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Earl?”




Holmes and Watson

 Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, someone has stolen our tent.”



Van Goghs’ Relatives

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
 His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin’s American half brother: Grin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh




Catching A Unique Rabbit

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam! What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate Clauses What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. Why don’t blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the hell out of the dog. How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it.




Moses’ Threesome


 Moses put together a threesome and they hit the links. Moses pulled up to the tee, took out his driver, and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but bounced directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee with a 3 iron and hit a beauty, straight as an arrow, directly toward the same water hazard. It was headed straight for the water but instead of sinking when it hit, it merely skipped across the surface and landed on the green. The third guy got up with a sand wedge and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the rainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the afore mentioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the talons of the eagle squeezed the frog and it dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing with your Dad.”





Jesus and Satans’ Contest

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and began. They typed furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.” “Very well, then,” says God, “Let us see if Jesus fared any better.” Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?” God chuckles, “Everybody knows Jesus saves.”




Panda Joke


 A Panda walks into a restaurant and orders the special of the day. He eats the food, gets up and shoots the waitress dead. The hostess runs over to the Panda and says, “What did you do that for?” The Panda then says,”Look up ‘Panda” in the dictionary, Miss and you will see...” And with that, the Panda walked out of the restaurant. The hostess then rushes to a dictionary, looks up ‘Panda’ and reads...”Panda, n., mammal, eats shoots and leaves.




Jesus at the Pearly Gates

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. “Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?” “Sure,” replied Jesus. “What do I have to do?” “Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven.” “Sounds easy enough. OK.” So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, “What was it you did for a living?” The old man replied, “I was a carpenter.” Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. “Did you have any family?” he asked. “Yes, I had a son, but I lost him.” Jesus leaned forward some more. “You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?” “Well, he had holes in his hands and feet.” Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, “Father?” The old man leaned forward and whispered, “Pinocchio?”




The Pope and the Trooper

The Pope comes to America. Of course, he’s very busy. Masses, rallies, dinners, events, etc. For security, he has the same limo driver daily. One evening at a banquet, he sees a chance to sneak away unnoticed. He goes out back, finds his limo, knocks on the window and finds the driver lounging in the rear seat eating a huge sandwich with his feet up on the seat.
Driver: Your holiness! I’m so sorry. Where can I take you? Forgive me!
Pope: Sit, eat, my son. Truthfully, I’d like to take the car for a drive. I’m the Pope, and everything is done for me. I’ve never driven an automobile. Please allow me.
Driver: Certainly, Your Holiness. Let me assist.
Pope: Sit, my son. Finish your dinner.
The Pope begins to drive. Naturally, he is not very good at it as he has never done this before. After hitting several parked cars, lamp posts, and stop signs, he is pulled over by a state trooper. The police man gets out of his cruiser, approaches the driver’s window and knocks. The Pope lowers the window, Trooper eyes the scene and retreats to his cruiser. Immediately, he grabs his cell phone and phones the governor.
 Trooper: Governor, this is State Trooper Wilson. I’ve just pulled over the most important person in the world for a serious traffic violation but I don’t know what to do.
 Gov: Wilson, who could you possibly have pulled over? Trooper: I have no idea, but he’s sitting in the back seat of a limo, eating a sandwich and the Pope is his driver!




Chess At The Hotel

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”



The Indian Chief Predicts the Weather

 An old Indian Chief was famous for predicting what the weather would do. A group of people went up to the Chief and asked him, “What will the weather be like tomorrow?”
The Chief replied, “... Much rain. Very wet.” The next day, it did rain and it was very wet.
 Some more people went up to the Chief and asked, “What will the weather be like tomorrow?” “... Much snow. Very cold.” Sure enough, it snowed and it was very cold. The next day, people were so impressed with this, they asked him another time. “Chief,” they asked, “what will the weather do tomorrow?”
The Chief replied, “... I dunno. Radio broken.”





Canadians and Americans

Avoid a Naval Battle This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!




A Yankee and a Texas Nativity

 In a small Texas town, there was a Nativity scene which showed that great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One feature, however, bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. At a store on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She looked skeptically at me and remarked, “You Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her that I did, but that I simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages. Finally, she jabbed her finger at a passage and said, “See, it says right here, ‘The three wise men came from afar.’”




You Can’t Take It With You


 There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.” The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!” But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.” St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!!!”




You’re Not a Monk


A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out that sound is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.




Alligator Shoes

 A young blonde (OK. Choose brunette if you don’t like blond jokes), on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices. “I’ll just catch my own alligator,” she told one shopkeeper,” so I can get a pair of shoes for free.” She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp. Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in. She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up. “Oh, no!” the blonde shouted in dismay. “This one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”




Three Ministers and a Priest

Three ministers and a priest played golf together every week. They decided to visit each other’s churches. So the following day, the three ministers showed up at an early morning mass at their friend’s church. There were no empty pews, so they stood in the back. When the priest saw them, he whispered to the little acolyte, “Get three chairs for the Protestants.” The boy looked stunned and sat down. The priest pointed in the back to where the clergy were standing and repeated, “Get three chairs for the Protestants!” The confused boy still stared back blankly. Exasperated, the priest said emphatically, “PLEASE! Get three chairs for the Protestants!” The dismayed acolyte stood before the congregation and announced, “Ladies and gentlemen. This is the first time it has ever been done in this church, but let’s all stand and give three cheers for the Protestants!”




Speeding Ticket

 A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. “How did you know I was speeding?” the frustrated driver asked. The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky. “You mean,” asked the motorist, “that even He is against me?”





Two Moose Hunters

 Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, “This little plane won’t lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You’ll have to leave one. We’d never make it over the trees on the take off.” “That’s baloney!” says one of the hunters. “Yeah,” the other agrees, “you’re just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn’t afraid to take off!”“Yeah”, said the first hunter, “and his plane wasn’t any bigger than yours!” The pilot got angry, and said, “Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!” They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn’t have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up,scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush. Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, “Where are we?” One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around and said, “I’d say... About a hundred yards further than last year.”




A Real-Life Sherlock Holmes


Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked, “Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?” Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before. “No, sir,” the driver responded, “I have never seen you before.” Then he explained: “This morning’s paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.” “This is truly amazing!” the writer exclaimed. “You are a real life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!” “There is one other thing,” the driver said. “What is that?” “Your name is on the front of your suitcase.”




Watch Out for Bears

The Colorado State Wildlife Division is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge and Keystone areas. They advise people to wear noise producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert the bears but not startle them unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for “fresh signs” of bear activity. People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.



Jumping Off The Empire State Building


Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: “You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building - by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.” The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The 2nd Man says: “What are you, a nut? There is no way that could happen.” 1st Man: “No, it’s true. Let me prove it to you.” So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window, and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. The 2nd Man tells him: “You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.” 1st Man: “No, I’ll prove it again” and he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs, he urges his fellow drinker to try it.2nd Man: “Well, it works, I’ll try it.” So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’ Back upstairs, the Bartender turns to the other drinker: “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you drink.”




 Wrong Address

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: “DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.”





 Bumper Stickers


Save the whales. Collect the whole set. A day without sunshine is like, night. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Remember half the people you know are below average. He who laughs last thinks slowest. I intend to live forever - so far so good. Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.





Evil Brothers

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect religionists. Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers’ deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. “I have only one condition,” he said. “At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.” The pastor gave his word and deposited the check. The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. “He was an evil man,” he said. “He cheated on his wife and abused his family.” After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with: “But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.”





Call The Doctor


 It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid.” The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, “When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.”




The Hamster and the Frog


 A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.” The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risqué.” “Deal!” says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. “Money or another miracle — else no drink,” says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy “Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.” “Not so,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist.”



Windows Error Messages in Japan


 In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry, each only 17 syllables, 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, five in the third... ———————————— A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. ———————————— Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank. ———————————— Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.






The Voice of God Speaks

There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?” And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”





A famous psychologist


Apatient complains to a famous psychologist: ‘Professor, I’ve been having terrible obsessions for years, and no one has ever been able to help me.’ ‘Who’s been treating you until now?’ ‘Dr Lal Rathor.‘ ‘I see. He’s an idiot. I’m curious to know what he advised you to do.’ ‘To come and see you.’




 Kids and God


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” One little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.” One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy and said quietly, “Good morning Alex.” “Good morning, Pastor” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor McGhee, what is this?” Alex asked. “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service.” Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex’s voice was barely audible when he asked, “Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?



Car Names Explained


 AUDI - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
 BMW - Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster Break My Window
BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere Dead or Dying Gas Eater Dear Old Dad’s Geriatric Express
FORD - First On Recall Day First On Race Day First On Rust and Deterioration
 GM - General Maintenance Great Mistake
 GMC- Garage Man’s Companion Got A Mechanic Coming?
 HONDA - Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing’s Drivable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
PINTO - Put In New Transmission Often
PONTIAC - Poor Old Neanderthal Thinks Its A Cadillac
TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners
VW - Virtually Worthless






Gems from Douglas Adams


“Time, we know, is relative. You can travel light years through the stars and back, and if you do it at the speed of light then, when you return, you may have aged mere seconds while your twin brother or sister will have aged twenty, thirty, forty or however many years it is, depending on how far you traveled. This will come to you as a profound shock, particularly if you didn’t know you had a twin brother or sister.” “There is a theory which states that if anyone discovers exactly what the Universe if for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” “I don’t believe it. Prove it to me and I still won’t believe it.” “Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.” “You live and learn. At any rate, you live.”




Rules of the Air


This appeared in the June issue of Australian Aviation Magazine...
 1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.
 4. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
5. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
6. A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
7. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
8. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
9. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you’ve made.
10. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
11. It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
12. Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.




New Words in the Dictionary

 The Washington Post’s Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners: Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
 Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like a serious bummer.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.



The Resuscitated Rabbit


A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks him what’s wrong. “I feel terrible,” he explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.” The woman says, “Don’t worry.” She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?” The woman turns the can around so the man can read the label. It says: “Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.”





 Think Again


Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he’ll be a mile away - and barefoot. A closed mouth gathers no feet. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.




Two Monks Have An Idea

The monastery was having a bit of a hard time with its cash flow, because of the dwindling number of monks available to help with all the work of the group. Brother Andrew and Brother Patrick suggested opening up a Fish & Chips stand down on the motor way, right next to the scenic vista area so popular with tourists. The venture was going well, and one day a tourist asked the monk on duty, “Are you the fish friar?” “No, sir,” exclaimed the brother, “I’m the chip monk.”




 The Fire Truck



 A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts. Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. “That ought to be obvious,” he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!”



The editor


The editor of a small weekly newspaper, annoyed at legislation that had recently been passed, ran a scathing editorial under the headline: HALF OF OUR LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS. Many prominent local politicians were outraged, and tremendous pressure was exerted on him to retract the statement. He finally succumbed to the pressure and ran an apology with the headline: HALF OF OUR LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS.



A Ghost Story


Two guys left the bar , jumped in their car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, “Look at the window. There’s an old ghost’s face there!” The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?” The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror. A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry; the speedometer says we’re doing 80 now.” All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. “There he is again,” the passenger yelled. They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping. “Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?” The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”






 Beethoven Backwards


 A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards. Just then, the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. “Oh, it’s nothing to worry about,” says the caretaker. “He’s just decomposing!”





Setting Telephone Poles

The local newspaper posts an ad for experienced linesmen needed to set new telephone poles for the phone company. Three groups of 4 men answer the ad. The foreman in charge says, “Good. Here’s a new truck for each group, complete with tools and all necessary equipment. Go set as many poles as you can in a day’s time, and the group which sets the most poles will be hired.” By day’s end, the first group arrives back at the maintenance area. The foreman asks, “Well, gentlemen, how many poles were you able to set today”? The leader of the group replies, “Well, sir, we set 6 poles today.” The foreman says, “That’s good. I believe the record for a day is 9. So let’s see how the other two groups fair, and that will determine who is hired.” Just a short time later, the second group arrives back and reports in. “We set 5 poles, sir, and repaired an adjacent pole also”. The foreman says, “Good job, guys! We’re still waiting on the last squad to return, then we’ll know who to hire.” Shortly before dark, the last crew returns to the maintenance area. Their truck is all covered with mud, broken parts hanging off, broken tools, and a flat tire. The foreman comments, “Wow, you guys must’ve really torn ‘em up out there! Just how many poles were you and your crew able to set today?” The crew leader says, “Well, sir, we set 1 pole today”. The foreman was incredulous. “You mean to say you only were able to set one pole all day? These two crews were able to set 6 and 5 poles, but you could only set one? What was the problem?” “Well, sir,” the crew leader replied, “they may have set 5 or 6 poles... but did you see how far they stuck out of the ground!!”



Fellow on a bus

A rather inebriated fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tiny pieces and throwing them out the window. ‘Excuse me,’ said the woman sitting next to him. ‘But, would you mind explaining why you’re doing this?’ ‘It scares away the elephants,’ replied the drunk. ‘But I don’t see any elephants around here,’ said the woman. ‘Effective, isn’t it?’ crowed the drunk



Jerks of the Highway


 One afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a man dressed from head to toe in red is standing on the side of the highway and gestures for him to stop.He rolls down the window and says, “How can I help you?” “I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?” With pleasure, he hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop. A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, “What can I do for you?” “I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?” Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not to stop, no matter what. To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells, “Let me guess. You’re the blue jerk of the highway, and just what the hell do you wanna have?” “Driver’s license and registration, please.”





ACTUAL QUOTES FROM ACTUAL PRODUCTS

 On a bag of Fritos: ”You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.” (The shoplifter special.) On some Swanson frozen dinners: ”Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (But it’s just a suggestion.)
 On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): ”Do not turn upside down.” (Too late!)
 On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: ”Product will be hot after heating.”
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: ”Do not iron clothes on body.” (But wouldn’t this save more time?)
 On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: ”Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
On most brands of Christmas lights: ”For indoor or outdoor use only.” (As opposed to what?)





Flying Over The Fire


The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. “It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. “Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.” “Why?” asked the pilot. “Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”



 The Clergyman and the Dog


 A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing. One of the boys replied, “This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we’re having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.” Of course, the Reverend was shocked. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.” There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. “All right,” he said, “give him the dog.”



The Psychologist Testifies (Almost)



 (Note: Sometimes I read a joke, and just about fall out of my chair, laughing. This was one of those....) One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe no- nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it’s rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform. “Will you state your name?” asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair, she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment. Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair, and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk. “Well, doctor,” continued the district attorney without changing expression, “we could start with an easier question.”



Quotes on the Nature of the Universe


Carl Zwanzig: ‘Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together....’
 Albert Einstein: ‘Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.’
John Andrew Holmes: ‘It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.’
Douglas Adams: ‘In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.’
 Ray Bradbury: ‘We are an impossibility in an impossible universe.’
Christopher Morley: ‘My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.’
Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): ‘The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.



Compiling a Family History

 The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose — how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared. It said “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”




A Child’s Perspective


Grandpa and granddaugher were sitting talking when she asked, “Did God made you, Grandpa?” “Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me too?” “Yes, He did,” the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. “You know, Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better job lately.”





The Birthday Parrot



A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Noting worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.” David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”





The Elderly Vultures



As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead racoons. “Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?” she asked. “No, thanks,” replied the vultures. “They’re carrion.”




Big Jake’s Coming!


 A pilgrim was walking across the prairie during the days of the Old West when he came across a small town. Passing through the town, he noticed a saloon and decided to stop and quench his thirst. After ordering a beer, he stood at the bar and observed the other clientele in the saloon. Suddenly the saloon door swung open, and a cowboy came running in yelling “Big Jake’s comin’!” Within seconds the establishment had cleared, leaving the pilgrim and his beer alone at the bar. Sure enough, a huge seven-and-a-half foot, 500 pound cowboy came swaggering in, tearing out the front door frame with his broad shoulders. The cowboy looked around the saloon, marched over to the pilgrim, picked him up by the scruff of the neck, and threw him over the bar, bellowing “Gimme a drink!” The pilgrim complied, placing the almost-full bottle next to the glass on the bar. The cowboy tossed back the drink, then bit the neck off of the bottle and emptied that too. At that point, the pilgrim, quaking in his boots, asked “Sir, would you care for another?” To which the cowboy replied, “Nope. I gotta go. Big Jake’s comin’!”




Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky



On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind,” were televised to Earth and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.” Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the, “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. In 1938 when he was a kid in a small mid-west town, he was playing baseball with a friend. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor’s yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. “Sex! You want sex? You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”





 A “Dear Mom” Letter



 Dear Mom, Our Scoutmaster told us all to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her that he’s OK. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride on one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put a gas can on a fire, the gas can will blow up? Billy is going to look weird until his hair grows back. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also, Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick a lot that way with the food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.
 Love, Johnny
 P. S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?




First anniversary


For their first anniversary, a man bought his young wife a cell phone. She was thrilled and listened eagerly as he explained all its features. The next day she was out shopping when the phone rang. ‘Hey, darling,’ he husband said. ‘How do you like your new phone?’ ‘Oh, I just love it!’ she gushed. ‘It’s so cute and small—and your voice sounds so clear. But there’s just one thing I don’t understand.’ ‘What’s that?’ ‘How did you know I was at the sari shop?’




Husband and wife


Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. ‘Be careful,’ he said to his wife. ‘You’ll bring out the beast in me.’ ‘So what?’ his wife shot back. ‘Who’s afraid of a mouse?





Speed limit


Aman was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking he’d outpace the cop, the man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His car’s speed rose to sixty, then seventy, eighty, and ninety. Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket. The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said: ‘Listen, Mister, I have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I’ll let you go.’ The man thought for a moment and said: ‘Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were that officer and were trying to give her back to me.’ No ticket.





How many times have you been imprisoned?’


Ajudge looked severely at the defendant and asked, ‘How many times have you been imprisoned?’ ‘Nine, you Honour.’ ‘Nine? In this case, I will give you the maximum sentence.’ ‘Maximum sentence?’ said the defendant. ‘Don’t you give your regular clients a discount’.





An American visiting England


An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby. ‘The lift will be down presently,’ the receptionist told him. ‘The lift?’ said the American. ‘Oh, you mean the elevator.’ ‘No, I mean the lift.’ replied the Englishman. ‘I think I should know what it is called,’ said the American. ‘Elevators were invented in the States.’ ‘Perhaps,’ retorted the Englishman. ‘But we invented the language.‘




The doctor


The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough phy examination. ‘The best thing for you to do,’ the doctor said, ‘is give up drinking smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women.’ ‘Doctor, I don’t deserve the best,’ said the patient. ‘What’s next best?’


Aman was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking he™d outpace the cop, the man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His car™s speed rose to sixty, then seventy, eighty, and ninety. Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.

The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said: ‚Listen, Mister, I have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I™ll let you go.™

The man thought for a moment and said: ‚Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were that officer and were trying to give her back to me.™
‚I™m very sorry to learn that your wife ran away with your driver,™ said the friend to the old man.

‚Oh, don™t worry, I can drive.™

eee

Ajudge looked severely at the defendant and asked, ‚How many times have you been imprisoned?™

‚Nine, you Honour.™

‚Nine? In this case, I will give you the maximum sentence.™



No ticket.

eee
‚Maximum sentence?™ said the defendant. ‚Don™t you give your regular clients a discount™



Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. ‚Give me your money,™ he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, ‚You can™t do thisŠI™m a politician!™

‚In that case,™ replied the robber, ‚give me my money!™

eee

One man to another. ‚I want to marry a smart woman, a good woman; a woman who™ll make me happy.™

‚Make up your mind.™


ef    J J J


An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby. ‚The lift will be down presently,™ the receptionist told him.

‚The lift?™ said the American. ‚Oh, you mean the elevator.™

‚No, I mean the lift.™ replied the Englishman.

‚I think I should know what it is called,™ said the American. ‚Elevators were invented in the States.™

‚Perhaps,™ retorted the Englishman. ‚But we invented the language.‚

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9

　　he doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough physical examination.

‚The best thing for you to do,™ the doctor said, ‚is give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women.™

‚Doctor, I don™t deserve the best,™ said the patient. ‚What™s next best?™


ef


‚An old man gives good advice in order to console himself for no longer being able to set a bad example.                                                                                                       - Le Rochefoucauld

10



Arather inebriated fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tiny pieces and throwing them out the window.

‚Excuse me,™ said the woman sitting next to him. ‚But, would you mind explaining why you™re doing this?™

‚It scares away the elephants,™ replied the drunk.

‚But I don™t see any elephants around here,™ said the woman.

‚Effective, isn™t it?™ crowed the drunk.

ooo

The editor of a small weekly newspaper, annoyed at legislation that had recently been passed, ran a scathing editorial under the headline: HALF OF OUR LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS. Many prominent local politicians were outraged, and tremendous pressure was exerted on him to retract the statement. He finally succumbed to the pressure and ran an apology with the headline: HALF OF OUR LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS.

J J J

After they had brought their first baby home from hospital, a young wife suggested to her husband that he try his hand at changing diapers, ‚I™m busy,™ he said. ‚I™ll do the next one.™

The next time the baby was wet, she asked if he was now ready to learn how to change diapers. He looked puzzled. ‚Oh,™ he replied finally. ‚I didn™t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!™

acb

Staying at a small-town hotel, Tom ordered tea. Shortly afterwards, a girl threw open the door. ‚Sugar in your tea?™ she shouted.

‚No, thank you,™ Tom replied.

‚Ah, well, don™t stir it then.™

11

　　he Duke of Gloucester, speaking at a luncheon in London: ‚A home accidents survey which showed that ninety percent of accidents on staircases involved either the top or the bottom step, was fed into a computer. Asked how accidents could be reduced, the computer answered: fiRemove the top and bottom steps.™fl

wqw

Asmall Indian boy appeared in the class of a London schoolteacher for the first time and she asked him his name. ‚Venkataratnam Narasimha Rattaiah,™ he said. When she asked, ‚How do you spell it?™ he replied, ‚My mother helps
me.™
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Ayoung soldier who was on a twenty four-hour pass went to a dance in town and there met an attractive young woman. As they danced, he kept making passes at her but without much result. Finally, he said, ‚Look sweetheart, I really go for you in a big way. But I don™t have much time. I have to be back in the morning. I™d sure like to speed like to speed things up between us.™

‚But I am dancing as fast as I can,™ she protested wide-eyed.


ooo

Aman who had just died, arrived at heaven™s gate. Before allowing him entry, St. Peter asked him if he™d ever loved a woman.

‚No,™ the man replied, ‚Not a single one.™

‚Did you have a friend you cared for?™

‚No.™

‚Perhaps you loved a pet? Did you not feel a love for nature?™

‚No.™

‚What took you so long to get here?™ asked a surprised St. Peter.‚You™ve been dead for ages.™

12



ittle Ernie was having a problem with his homework.

‚Dad,™ he asked, ‚What is the difference between fiangerfl and fiexasperationfl?™

‚Well, son,™ said his father, ‚I™ll give you a practical demonstration.™

His father picked up the phone and dialled a number.

‚Hello,™ said a voice at the other end.

‚Hello,™ said Ernie™s father. ‚Is Melvin there?™

‚There is no one called Melvin here!™ the voice replied. ‚Why don™t you look up numbers before you dial them?™

‚You see?™ said Ernie™s father. ‚That man was not at all happy with our call. But watch this!™

He then dialled the number again, and says, ‚Hello, is Melvin there?™

‚Now look here!™ the voice said angrily. ‚I told you there is no Melvin here! You have got a lot of nerve calling again!™

　　usband to wife as they emerge from a long session with a marriage guidance counsellor: ‚Darling, I love €you.™

‚There you go again,™ snapped his wife. ‚I...I...I...again.™


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Annoyed wife to husband: ‚Can™t you say we™ve been married twenty-four years instead of fialmost a quarter of a centuryfl?™

ef


　　he sign on the door of a lawyer™s chamber reads: ‚Where there is a will, there is a way; where there is a way, there is law; where there is law, there is a rule; where there is a rule, there is a loophole; where there is a loophole; there is a lawyer; and so here I am.™
　　


‚Did you hear that?™ Ernie™s father asked. ‚That was fiangerfl. Now, I will show you what fiexasperationfl is!™

J J




He dialled once again. And on hearing the voice at the other end, Ernie™s father said: ‚Hello! This is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?™


acb

Apoor man sat begging outside a temple. ‚In the name of Bhagwan give this hungry man some money to fill his belly,fl he cried. fiBhagwan will bless you.™ But the devotees gave him very little. In disgust the beggar left the temple and sat outside a country liquor shop. ‚A few paise in the name of Bhagwan,™ he whined. As customers came out of the shop in high spirits, many dropped rupee notes in his bowl. Thanking God, the beggar said: ‚Hey Bhagwan, truly inscrutable are thy ways! You give one address but live in another.™

ooo

13
When Paul was working as a salesman at a supermarket, he noticed that before choosing a melon, shoppers would hold the fruit upto their ears and knock on it. He never knew what they expected to hear. One day he asked a shopper. ‚Son,™ the man replied, ‚I™ve been doing this for forty years. All I know is that if you just pick up a melon and put it your bag, everybody looks at you as if you™re crazy.™€

wqw


　ittle Johnny was practising the violin in the living room, while his father was trying to read. The family dog was at there too, and, on hearing the screeching sounds, began to howl. Johnny™s father listened to the dog and the violin for as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his newspaper on the floor and yelled, ‚For God™s sake, can™t you play something the dog doesn™t know?™

14



An eager young man entered his prospective boss™s cabin for an interview, Said the boss ‚One thing our company is very particular about is cleanliness. I hope you wiped your shoes on the doormat while coming in?™

Yes, sir,™ the young man replied promptly.

Back came the rejoinder, ‚One more thing we™re very particular about is honesty. There is no doormat outside!™

ooo

Sonu was saying her bedtime prayers: ‚Please God, make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy,™.....

‚Why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?™ Sonu™s mother asked.

And Sonu replied: ‚Because, that is what I put in my Geography exam!™


acb

Atraveller walking along a road asked an old man working in a field to how long it would take to get to the next village. But the old man didn™t answer, so the traveller kept walking.

He hadn™t gone far when he heard a call: fiHi, mister, it™ll take you about 20 minutesfl.

fiWhy didn™t you tell me that when I asked you?fl asked the traveller.

fiHow did I know how fast you were going to walk?fl replied the old man.


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‚Love, friendship, and respect do not unite a people as much as a common hatred of something.™ - Anton Chekov

The world is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel.

- Horace Walpole

15
Ateacher had just moved house with all her possessions including box after box of books.

As the van driver put down the last box in her second-floor flat, he grumbled, fiFor Heaven™s sake, lady, why didn™t you read them before you came?fl


J

Customer: fiWhy are the signs in your window so full of spelling and grammatical mistakes?fl

Storekeeper: fiSo that people will think I™m a fool and come in expecting to get the best of me. Since I put up those signs, business has boomed.fl


eee

Doctor: Shall I gave your wife a local anaesthetic?fl Businessman: fiCertainly not. I can afford something imported..fl.

ooo

Adoctor was called in to see a rather testy aristocrat. fiWell, sir, what™s the matter?fl he asked cheerily.

fiThat, sir,fl growled the patient, fiis for you to find out.fl

fiI see,fi said the doctor thought-fully. fiWell, if you™ll excuse me for an hour or so I™ll go along and fetch a friend of mine - a veterinarian. He is the only chap I know who can make a diagnosis without asking questions.fl


uu

What made you marry Daddy, Mummy?fl fiSo you™re beginning to wonder, too!fl

16



fiMy father wants me to have everything he did not have when he was a boyfl.

fiWhat didn™t he have?fl

fiAll ‚A™s on his report cardfl.

uu

Mother: fiI sent my little boy for one kilo of plums and you only sent 800 grams.

Grocer: fiMy scales are all right, madam. Have you weighed your little boy?fl

wqw

　fiWhy do they call the language we speak our mother-tongue?fl asked the son.

fiBecause fathers so seldom gets a chance to use it,fl replied his dad.

acb


he mother of many children lined up her family.

fiThe one who obeys me immediately and does exactly as he™s told without arguing will get a rupee at the end of the week.fl

fiIt™s not fair,fl said the youngest kid, bursting into tears. fiDaddy™ll win easily.fl

eee

How™s your husband,?fl Mrs. Mathur asked her friend.

fiPretty well, I think - he works so hard I see him for only about an hour each day,fl

fiYou poor thing,fl said Mrs. Mathur.

fiOh, It™s all right, the hour soon passes.fl

17

　　anager - fiFrom your references I see you™ve had four jobs in the last month.fl

Applicant - fiYes, sir, but doesn™t that shows how much in demand I am?fl


eee

A salesman was dismissed because he was rude to a customer. A month later the sales manager spotted him walking about in a police uniform.

fiI see you™ve joined the force, Bhatnagar,fl said the sales manager.

fiYes, Sir. This is the job I™ve been looking for all my life. Here the customer is always wrong.fl

ef

A not-too-bright candidate for the police force failed in the written examination. Since he was the Chief™s nephew, the examiner decided to go easy on him with the oral test.

fiWho shot Abraham Lincoln?fl, asked the examiner.

The candidate pondered for a moment and then asked if he could have sometime to come up with the answer. The examiner told him to come back the next morning.

When the would-be recruit went home, his wife asked, fiWell, how did it go? Did you get the job?fl.

fiI think so,fl he replied. fiThey have already got me working on a casefl.


ooo


When I eventually met Mr Right, I had no idea his first name was Always.

- Rita Rudner

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.

- Margaret Thatcher

18



Judge: fiThe last time I saw you, I told you that I didn™t want to see you here againfl.

Accused: fiThat is what I tried to tell these policemen, your Honour, but they would not believe me.fl


wqw

　　he employee stormed angrily into the cashier™s office. fiWhat™s the meaning of this? I just counted my pay and it™s a dollar short!fl

The cashier examined the envelope, then checked his records. fiLast week we paid you a dollar more. You didn™t complain then, did you?fl

fiLookfl said the employee. fiAn occasional mistake I can overlook - but two in a row is too much!fl


What is your age?fl asked the Judge. fiRemember you are under oathfl.    J J


fiTwenty-one years and some months,fl the woman answered.

fiHow many months?fl the Judge persisted.

fiOne hundred and eight.fl


uu

fiHey,fl the tourist said to the mountaineer, fiYour son just threw a rock at me as I passed by.fl

fiDid it hit you?fl

fiNo.fl

fiThen it wasn™t my son.fl

acb

Boss : fiYou should have been here at 8 O™clock.fl Steno : fiWhy, what happened?fl

ef

Two employers were talking. Said one: fiI fear that young man I employed last week as a cashier is dishonest.fl

fiOh,fl replied the other, fiyou shouldn™t judge by appearances.fl

fiI™m not. I™m judging by disappearances!fl


eee


he famous film actor was being analyzed.

fiTell me,fl asked the psychoanalyst, fiDo you ever cheat on your wife?fl

fiWho else?fl


ooo


Woman begins by resisting a man™s advances, and ends by blocking his retreat.

- Oscar Wilde


You can always tell when a man is well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.
- Louis Morris






That™s the trouble with being greeted fiHave a nice day!™ it puts all the pressure on you.

- George Carlin

19
Life is one long process of getting tired.


The love that lasts longest is the love which is never returned.

20
- Samuel Butler


- Somerset Maugham



A large notice in a shop window announced a big sale, with sweeping reductions, starting at 9 a.m. An enormous queue had started to form by 7-30 a.m.

Just before the shop was due to open, an inconspicuous little man walked to the head of the queue. Angry women elbowed and pushed him until he was right at the back of the line. Undaunted, the little man went to the head of the queue again.

Once more, he was shoved unceremoniously to the back, this time with a few smacks on the face and a couple of thumps from umbrellas wielded by angry women.

The little man walked to one side of the queue and said: fiIf that™s your attitude, I won™t open the shop at all today!fl


acb


hemistry Teacher: fiCan you give me the formula for water?fl

Student: fiH-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-.fl

Chemistry Teacher: fiWhere did you get an idea like that?fl

Student: fiYou told us the other day it was H to O.fl


ooo


eacher : fiYou missed school yesterday, didn™t you?fl

Pupil: fiNot a bit.fl

ef



The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.™
- George Bernard Shaw

21

eacher: fiWho were the first human beings?fl

Pupil: fiAdam and Eve.fl

Teacher: fiAnd what nationality were they?fl

Pupil: Indian, of course.fl

Teacher: fiAnd how ho you know they were Indian?fl

Pupil: fiEasy. They had no roof over their heads, no clothes to wear and only one apple between them - and they called it Paradise.fl


wqw

Father: fiWould you still love my daughter even if she were poor?fl Suitor: fiOf course.fl

Father: fiYou™re no good. We don™t want fools in our family.fl


ef

He: fiThere are an awful lot of girls who don™t want to get married.fl She: fiHow do you know?fl

He: fiI™ve asked them.fl


J

e: fiI wonder why women pay more attention to beauty than to brains.fl

She: fiBecause no matter how stupid a man is, he is seldom blind.fl

ooo


When a man laughs at his troubles he loses a great many friends; they never forgive the loss of their prerogative.    - H L Mencken

22



Ionce knew the twenty-year-old daughter of a Hollywood film actress who kept getting depressed because she didn™t look as young as her mother.


wqw


he aging actor was trying to chat up the gorgeous young girl.

‚Don™t you recognize me?™ he asked. She shook her head.

‚I™m quite well known in the movies,™ he continued.

‚Oh!™ she said, her eyes lighting up. ‚Where do you usually sit?™

eee

　　he main difference between men and boys is that men™s toys cost more money.

ooo

Pretty young girl: ‚If I go up to your room do you promise to be good?™ Young man: ‚Why Š I promise to be FANTASTIC!™

acb

Two astrologers met each other in the street on a particularly cold and bitter day.

‚Terrible winter we™re having,™ muttered one.

‚Yes,™ replied the other. ‚It reminds me of the winter of 2057.™
Atea manufacturer wanted a new advertising gimmick, so the senior creative man at the advertising agency decided to go to Rome to see if he could persuade the Pope to make a TV commercial.

‚We™ll give you one hundred thousand pounds for a ten second commercial,fl the ad man told the pontiff. All you have say is: fiGive us this day our daily teafl.™

‚I™m sorry,™ replied the Pope, ‚but I can™t do that.™

‚Five hundred thousand,™ offered the adman.

‚I™m afraid not,™ said the Pope, solemnly.

‚All right. One million pounds. And that™s our very last offer.™

But still the Pope refused. On his way back, disappointed adman turned to his secretary and said: ‚It™s odd that the Pope refused to do a commercial for tea. I wonder how much the bread people are giving him.™

wqw


　　he proud mother was showing off her new baby to her friend. ‚Doesn™t he look just like his father?™ asked the mother.

‚Yes,™ replied the friend. ‚But I shouldn™t worry too much Š he™ll probably change for the better as he gets older.™

ooo

If an artist becomes angry does he lose his temperas?

ef



J J J    Let no one suppose the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact they are employer and employee.    - George Bernard Shaw



Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to be as mediocre as possible.

- Margaret Mead

23
History teaches us that men and nations live wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. - Abba Eban

24



　　he elderly aunt bent down and asked her three-year-old nephew: ‚Can you tell me the name of your new baby sister?™

The little boy shook his head sadly and replied: ‚I don™t know what it is. I keep asking her but I can™t understand a word she says.™

acb

My wife™s best friend has just celebrated the twentieth anniversary of her twenty-ninth birthday.


uu

Customer: ‚I™d like to buy a novel, please.™

Bookshop assistant: ‚Certainly, madam. Do you have the title or name of the author?™

Customer: ‚Not really. I was hoping you could suggest something suitable.™

Bookshop assistant: ‚No problem. Do you like light or heavy reading?™

Customer: ‚It doesn™t matter. I™ve left the car just outside the shop.™
　　t the company board meeting the chairman rose to make his speech. ‚Who™s been carrying on with my secretary?™ he demanded.

This was met with silence. ‚All right, then,™ said the chairman, ‚put it this way Š who has not been carrying on with my secretary?™

Again there was silence, and then one man said, self-consciously: ‚Me, sir.™

‚Right,™ said the Chairman. ‚You sack her.™


ef

One day Claude came home from work to find his wife painting one side of the car blue. She™d divided the car neatly in half and had already painted the other side bright yellow.

‚What on earth are you doing?™ asked Claude.

‚Simple!™ she replied. ‚You know I™ve had so many accidents and I always get caught due to the statements of the witnesses in court. Now, if I have an accident, you watch them fight it out trying to decide what colour car caused the accident!™




wqw


ffice worker: Sir?™
J J


Mother: ‚Why are you crying?™




Boss: ‚Yes? What is it now?™

Office worker: ‚Please can I have a day off next week to do some late Christmas shopping with my wife and our six kids?™

Boss: ‚Certainly not!™

Office worker: ‚I knew you™d be understanding, sir. Thanks for getting me out of that terrible chore.™

eee

25
Sally: ‚Because I fell and hurt myself.™

Mother: ‚When did that happen?™

Sally: ‚About twenty minutes ago.™

Mother: ‚But you™ve only just started crying.™

Sally: ‚I know. Earlier, I thought you™d gone out.™


eee

26



hat™s a nice suit you™re wearing Š who went for the fitting?™

uu

Judge: ‚How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?™

Prisoner: ‚How do I know, your honour? I haven™t heard the evidence yet.™

ef

Bacteria: the back entrance to a cafeteria. J
Buoyant: male equivalent of gallant. ef

Dogma: the mother of puppies. wqw


ltimate: the last person to marry.

acb

ice versa: dirty poems.

ooo

Doctor: ‚Nurse! Did you take this patient™s temperature?™ Nurse: ‚Why, doctor? Is it missing?™

eee

27
　　eacher: ‚Everything you do is wrong. How can you expect to get a job when you leave school™

Pupil: ‚Well, sir! I™m going to be a TV weatherman.

acb

Pretty young nurse: ‚Doctor, every time I take this young man™s pulse it gets faster. Should I give him a sedative?™

Doctor: ‚No. Just give him a blindfold.™


uu

Patient: ‚Doctor, do you think that I will live until I™m a hundred?™ Doctor: ‚Do you smoke or drink?™

Patient: ‚No.™

Doctor: ‚Do you drive fast cars, gamble, or play around with women?™

Patient: ‚Certainly not!™

Doctor: ‚Then what do you want to live to a hundred for?™


ooo

Doctor™s wife: ‚Why are you looking so worried, dear?™ Doctor: ‚I think I™ve at last cured that Smith fellow.™

Doctor™s wife: ‚So why are you so worried?™

Doctor: ‚I™ve given him so many pills and potions I can™t work out which one worked.™


wqw

28



Estate agent to young house-hunting couple: ‚First you tell me what you can afford. Then we™ll have a good laugh about it and go on from there.™

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　ef Is a drunken ghost a methylated spirit?

J J J

　　r Bloggs: ‚Darling, I don™t know what you put in this soup, but it tastes like dishwater.™

Mrs Bloggs: ‚How do you know?™

ooo

‚Mummy, Mummy! Where are you?™ cried the little boy on the promenade. ‚You poor little boy,™ said an elderly lady. ‚Come with me and I™ll get you an ice cream and then we™ll go and look for your mummy.™

‚I know where your mummy is,™ said a small girl.

‚Shush!™ whispered the little boy. ‚I know where she is, too, but I™ve managed to get two free ice creams this morning, and I want a third!™


eee


　　he frantic-looking lady came rushing out of her house into the street and cried: ‚Help! Help! My young son has swallowed a coin and is choking. I don™t know what to do!™

Everyone looked the other way, except for a middle-aged gentleman who rushed into the lady™s house, found her young son, turned him upside down and shook him until the coin fell out of his mouth.

‚Oh, thank you!™ cried the lady. ‚Are you a doctor?™

‚No madam,™ replied the middle-aged man. ‚I™m from the Income Tax Department.™

29
Insurance salesman: ‚Surely your husband needs more life insurance? I mean, if your husband suddenly dropped dead, what would you do?™

Mrs Smith: ‚I™d probably get a pet dog instead.™


eee


　　he young man walked into the pet shop and asked if he could buy 387 beetles, 18 rats and five mice.

‚I™m sorry, sir, but we can only supply the mice. But what did you want all the other creatures for?™ asked the pet shop manager.

‚I was thrown out of my flat this morning,™ replied the young man. ‚And my landlord says I must leave the place exactly as I found it.™

ef

Fred at last could see a way of making a fortune. He had trained his parrot, after month of hard work, to tell jokes.

At last he felt ready to cash in on all his hard work, and took the parrot down to his pub.

‚This is my incredible joke-telling parrot,™ boasted Fred.

‚Go on ,™ jeered the pub regulars. ‚We™ll give you ten to one that your parrot can™t tell us a joke.™

‚All right,™ replied Fred. ‚I accept your bet.™

But try as he could, Fred was unable to make the parrot talk Š let alone tell jokes.

On the way home Fred shook the bird and shouted: ‚What do you mean by keeping quiet? You made me lose a ten to one bet!™

‚Don™t worry!™ squawked the parrot. ‚Tomorrow you™ll be able to get fifty to one.™
uu

30



　　ilary: ‚You™re the first man I™ve ever said fiyesfl to. In fact, I™ve said finofl to lots and lots of men.™

Herbert: ‚What were they selling?™


uu


　　he police car, its siren blaring, raced in front of a speeding car and forced it to stop.

A heavily built policeman got out and walked over.

‚You name, please?™ asked the policeman, taking out his notebook and pen.

‚Certainly, officer,™ replied the driver. ‚It™s Horatio Xerxes Laertes Idomeneus Aeneas Asclepius Iphicles Menoeceus Memnon Philoctetes Tyndareus Hylas.™

The policeman thought for a moment, then looked at his notebook, shook his head and said: ‚I™ll just give you a warning this time Š don™t break the speed limit again.™




Alifelong Socialist was dying when he suddenly decided to join the Tory party.

‚But why?™ asked his puzzled friends. ‚You‚ve been a staunch Socialist all your life.™

‚Well, he replied, ‚I™d rather it was a Tory that died than a Socialist.™




If a plug would not fit, would you socket?

　　ustomer: ‚Waiter! How much longer do you expect me to have to wait for my poached salmon?™

Waiter: ‚I™m sorry, sir, but we are trying to hurry it up for you.™

Customer: ‚Then can you assure me that you™re using the right bait?™


wqw

‚Get up,™ shouted Albert™s mother. ‚You™ll be late for school.™

‚But I don‚t want to go,™ protested Albert. ‚All the kids are horrible, the teachers are terrible, and it™s all extremely boring. I want to stay home.™

‚But,™ replied Albert™s mother, ‚you™re forty-three and the headmaster of the school.™


eee


eacher: ‚Mavis, can you tell me which month is the shortest?™

Mavis: ‚It™s May, miss.™

Teacher: ‚No, it isn™t. The shortest month is February.™

Mavis: ‚But, miss, February has eight letters in it while May only has three!™




You can get a lot more done with a kind word and gun, than you can with a kind word alone. - Al Capone


Wealth is like sea water; the more we drink, the thirstier we become; the same is true of fame.
- Schopenhauer




A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR with his little Jack Russell terrier. He puts the dog on the barstool next to his. The bartender wanders over and the man says, ‘I’ll have a pot thanks, mate.’ The dog says, ‘I’ll have a margarita.’ The bartender does a double-take and looks over to the dog and asks, ‘Did you just talk?’ ‘Yep,’ says the dog. ‘My God!’ says the bartender. ‘That’s incredible. This is unreal. Who would have thought: a talking dog, here in my bar? Tell me more about yourself. You must have had an amazing life as a talking dog.’ The dog assumes an indifferent pose and speaks in quite a matter-of-fact manner: ‘Yeah, you could say it’s been a big journey. I trained for a while with the US Marines. Saw a bit of action in Iraq – can’t tell you more. I joined the Bolshoi Ballet for a stint. That was hard work but incredibly satisfying. I’ve written a few best-selling novels in my spare time. That was good fun. Of course, there have been film offers, TV shows. Wine, women and song. All that.’ The bartender is now purple with excitement. He turns to the man. ‘We could make a fortune. We could charge people to come into this bar and hear your dog talk. How much would you charge to allow your dog to talk here?’ ‘About $10,’ the man replies. ‘Why only $10? That’s madness!’ exclaims the bartender. The man answers: ‘He’s a liar. He hasn’t done half those things.’



A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR wearing dark glasses, accompanied by a chihuahua on a leash. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, no dogs allowed.’ ‘I’m blind. It’s my seeing-eye dog,’ the man explains. The bartender scoffs. ‘Seeing-eye dogs are labradors or German shepherds.’ The man looks alarmed. ‘What’ve they given me?’




A DOG WALKS INTO A BAR and says, ‘Hey, bartender, can’t a talking dog get a drink in here?’ ‘Yeah, dog,’ says the bartender, ‘the toilet’s right around the corner there!’



A DOG HOBBLES INTO A BAR with his leg wrapped in bandages. He sidles up to the bartender and announces: ‘I’m lookin’ fer the man that shot my paw.’



A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, ‘Does your dog bite?’ The lady answers, ‘Never!’ The man reaches out to pat the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, ‘I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!’ The woman replies, ‘He doesn’t. This isn’t my dog.’



A BLIND MAN WALKS INTO A BAR, grabs his dog, and starts swinging him around. The bartender says, ‘Hey mate, what are you doing?’ The blind man says, ‘Don’t mind me, I’m just looking around.’



A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR with his dog on a leash. The bartender says, ‘Man, that’s a weird dog. He’s stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn’t have a tail, but I bet my Rottweiler would beat the heck out of him.’ Fifty bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the Rottweiler gets mauled to pieces. Another drinker says his pit bull will win. The bet is $100. There’s another trip to the yard and when it’s all over there are bits of pit bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, ‘So what breed is that anyway?’ The owner says, ‘Until I cut his tail off and painted him pink he was the same breed as every other crocodile.’




A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR with his dog. He puts the dog on the bar and says to the bartender, ‘This is the smartest dog in the world. I bet $5 that you can ask him anything and he will tell you the right answer.’ So the bartender says, ‘All right. What is 10 + 11 + 13?’ The dog says, ‘34.’ ‘Wow,’ says the bartender and hands over the $5 note. Then the man says to the bartender, ‘Don’t let my dog go anywhere, I have to go to the toilet.’ He hands the dog the $5 to hold onto while he’s in the toilet. The bartender and the dog start having a conversation and the bartender says, ‘If you’re so smart, go down the road and get me a newspaper.’ So the dog leaves, and then the man comes out of the toilet. He asks the bartender where the dog is. The bartender says, ‘The dog went to get me a newspaper.’ The man throws a fit that the bartender let the dog leave. He goes out to find his dog. He looks all over until he sees his dog in an alley making love to a poodle. The man says, ‘What are you doing? You’ve never done this before.’ The dog says, ‘I’ve never had $5 before either.’





A CHIHUAHUA, A DOBERMAN AND A BULLDOG WALK INTO A BARfor a drink. A great-looking female collie comes up to them and says, ‘Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.’ So the Doberman says, ‘I love liver and cheese.’ The collie replies, ‘That’s not good enough.’ The bulldog says, ‘I hate liver and cheese.’ The collie says, ‘That’s not creative enough.’ Finally, the chihuahua says, ‘Liver alone … cheese mine.’





A SAILOR AND A PIRATE WALK INTO A BAR. They sit down next to each other and get to talking. Their chat soon turns to their sea adventures. The sailor tells of his days fighting wars with the navy, and the pirate tells of robbing ships and killing his enemies. The sailor notices that the pirate has an eye patch, a hook and a peg leg, and asks, ‘How did you get the peg leg?’ The pirate replies, ‘When I was thrown off my ship and floated for two days until my crew rescued me, my leg was bitten off by a shark as I was being pulled out of the water.’ The sailor, impressed, says, ‘Wow! That’s very exciting. But what about the hook?’ The pirate smiles, shining the hook on his coat sleeve. ‘When I was sword-fighting with an enemy pirate for treasure, he took it right off.’ The sailor’s eyes are wide with awe at how tough this pirate is, and he asks, ‘How did you get the eye patch?’‘Well,’ says the pirate, shifting in his seat a bit, ‘a seagull s*** in my eye.’ The sailor looks puzzled. ‘You lost an eye from seagull s***?’ The pirate sighs and shakes his head. ‘It was my first day with the hook.’




THE LONE RANGER AND TONTO WALK INTO A BARin Texas on one of the hottest days on record and sit down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walks in and says, ‘Who owns the big white horse outside?’ The Lone Ranger stands up, hitches his gun belt, and says, ‘I do ... why?’ The cowboy looks at the Lone Ranger and says, ‘I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is just about dead from the heat.’ The Lone Ranger and Tonto rush outside and sure enough, Silver is ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger gets the horse some water and soon Silver is starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says, ‘Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him feel better.’ Tonto says, ‘Yes, Kemosabe,’ and takes off running circles around Silver.Not able to do anything but wait, the Lone Ranger returns to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, ‘Who owns that big white horse outside?’ The Lone Ranger stands again, and says, ‘I do, what’s wrong with him this time?’ The cowboy looks him in the eye and says ... ‘Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin’.’



A HEAD WALKS INTO A BAR and asks the bartender for a drink, and after he is finished, bang! a torso appears. So the head asks for another drink and after he finishes, bang! arms come out of the torso. So the head asks the bartender for another drink and when he has finished, bang! legs appear. The head is thinking, ‘Hey, this stuff is great,’ so he asks the bartender for one more drink for the road and bang! his whole body disappears. The bartender turns to him and says, ‘You should have quit while you were a head.’



A LEPRECHAUN WALKS INTO A BAR. The bartender serves him and says, ‘That’ll be $2.50.’ The leprechaun puts two $1 coins on the bar and starts walking away. The bartender shouts, ‘You’re a little short!’


A NEUTRON WALKS INTO A BAR and orders a drink. He asks the bartender, ‘How much?’ ‘For you, sir, no charge.’


A SCRAWNY LITTLE MAN WALKS INTO A BAR, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. The bartender is the strongest man around and there is a long-standing $1000 bet among the patrons. The bartender will squeeze a lemon until all the juice runs into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who can squeeze one more drop of juice out wins the money. Many people have tried over time but nobody can do it. ‘I’d like to try the bet,’ the little man says in a tiny, squeaky voice. After the laughter has died down, the bartender grabs a lemon and squeezes away. He hands the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter turns to total silence as the man clenches his fist around the lemon and six drops fall into the glass. As the crowd cheers, the bartender pays the $1000 and asks the little man what he does for a living. Is he a lumberjack, or a weightlifter, or what? ‘I work for the tax office.’



A SEWING MACHINE WALKS INTO A BAR, sits down, looks at the sewing machine sitting next to him and says, ‘Do I know you, are you a singer?’ Sewing machine says, ‘Ja-no-me?’



A BIG HULKING REDNECK WALKS INTO A BAR, slams his fist down and yells, ‘Give me a VB, or …!’ Scared, the bartender serves the man his VB. This happens every day for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the roughneck returns. ‘Give me a VB, or …!’ ‘O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?’ stammers the bartender. ‘A small Coke.’




A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR. He orders a pie and a pot. He sticks the pie on top of his head and twists and squashes it all over his head. He then downs his beer in one go and leaves. Next day, same pub, same barman, same bloke comes in and repeats it all over again. The barman is lost for words and decides to get to the bottom of this strange habit next time the man comes in. Next day, in walks the bloke and asks for his usual – a pie and a pot. ‘Sorry,’ says the barman. ‘No pies left.’ ‘No problem,’ says the man. ‘I’ll have a packet of chips instead. Oh, and a pot.’ The barman hands them over. The man sticks the chips on his head and twists and squashes them all over his head. Then he downs his beer in one go and gets up to leave. ‘Oi,’ shouts the barman. ‘Why did you squash the chips all over your head? What’s all that about then, eh?’ The bloke says, ‘Well, you didn’t have any pies left, did you!’



A FLY WALKS INTO A BAR and orders a drink. The man next to him looks at him and says to the bartender, ‘What’s up with him?’ The bartender says, ‘Oh, he works in the restaurant down the street.’ The man asks the fly, ‘What line of work do you do?’ The fly sighs. ‘I’m the one they put in the soup. It’s exhausting.’



A MAN GOES INTO A BAR with a pork pie on his head. The bartender says, ‘You’ve got a pork pie on your head.’ The man says, ‘Yeah, I always wear a pork pie on my head on Wednesdays.’ The bartender says, ‘It’s only Tuesday!’ ‘Jesus, I must look like a right idiot then!’ replies the man.



A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR and says, ‘Give me three pints of Guinness, please.’ So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to sip one, then the next, and then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more and the bartender says, ‘Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I’ll bring you a fresh one as soon as you’re low.’ The man says, ‘You don’t understand. I have two brothers: one in Australia, and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness stouts too and we’re drinking together.’ The bartender thinks it’s a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the man’s three beers as soon as he enters the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, ‘Knowing your tradition, I’d just like to say I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.’ The man replies, ‘Oh, my brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.’



AN ELDERLY IRISHMAN WALKS INTO A BAR. With great difficulty, he hoists his bad leg over a barstool, pulls himself up painfully and asks for a sip of Irish whisky. The Irishman looks down the bar and asks, ‘Is that Jesus over there?’ The bartender nods, so the Irishman tells him to give Jesus an Irish whisky, too. The next patron to come in is an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moves very slowly. He shuffles up to a barstool and asks for a glass of chianti. He also looks down the bar and asks, ‘Is that Jesus sitting at the end of the bar?’ The bartender nods, so the Italian says to give Him a glass of chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar is a redneck, who swaggers into the bar and hollers, ‘Barkeep, set me up a cold one!’ ‘Hey, is that God’s Boy down there?’ the redneck asks.The barkeep nods, so the redneck tells him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus gets up to leave, he walks over to the Irishman, touches him, and says, ‘For your kindness, you are healed!’ The Irishman feels the strength come back to his leg, so he gets up and dances a jig out the door. Jesus touches the Italian and says, ‘For your kindness, you are healed!’ The Italian feels his back straighten, so he raises his hands above his head and does a flip out the door. Jesus walks towards the redneck, but the redneck jumps back and exclaims, ‘Don’t touch me! I’m on a disability pension!’



A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR and says, ‘I’ve got a Kiwi joke to tell.’ The bartender replies, ‘I’m 6'4", 130kg, and I played in the second row for the All Blacks two years ago. See the other bartender? He’s 6'6", 140kg, and played for the All Blacks four years ago. And see the man collecting the glasses? He’s 5'10", 125kg, and currently plays tight head prop for the All Blacks. You still want to tell that joke?’ To which the man replies, ‘Not if I’ve got to explain it three times!’



A TEXAN, A CALIFORNIAN AND A SEATTLEITE WALK INTO A BARat the same time. After a while, the Texan grabs a bottle of tequila, throws it in the air and shoots it into a thousand pieces. ‘Don’t you boys worry about it,’ says the Texan, ‘we have plenty of tequila deep in the heart of Texas.’ The Californian, not wanting to be outdone, selects a bottle of fine wine, tosses it up, and shoots it into smithereens. ‘Hey, don’t sweat it dudes,’ chirps the Californian. ‘There’re zillions of bottles of wine in Cal.’ The Seattleite, following suit, guzzles down a bottle of micro-brewed beer, chucks it towards the rafters, shoots the Californian and, without missing a beat, puts out his hand and catches the beer bottle. Everyone in the bar stands frozen in shock. ‘Relax, kids,’ says the Seattleite coolly. ‘Up in Seattle, there’s a freakin’ shipload of Californians. No big deal.’



A FARMER WALKS INTO A BAR in New Zealand with the fluffiest sheep you’ve ever seen. The wool would weigh more than the sheep – it drags on the ground under the sheep’s belly and covers its eyes. The bartender asks, ‘Are you gonna shear that sheep?’ The farmer replies, ‘I am not shearing her with anyone, she is mine and I love her!’



A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR, stumbles up to the only other patron and asks if he can buy him a drink. ‘Why of course,’ comes the reply. The first man then asks, ‘Where are you from?’ ‘I’m from Ireland,’ replies the second man. The first man responds, ‘You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.’ ‘Of course,’ replies the second man. ‘I’m curious,’ the first man says. ‘Where in Ireland are you from?’ ‘Dublin,’ comes the reply. ‘I can’t believe it,’ says the first man. ‘I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.’ ‘Of course,’ replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, ‘What school did you go to?’ ‘Saint Mary’s,’ replies the second man. ‘I graduated in ’62.’ ‘This is unbelievable!’ the first man says. ‘I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ’62, too!’ About that time one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar. ‘What’s been going on?’ he asks the bartender. ‘Nothing much,’ replies the bartender. ‘The O’Kinly twins are drunk again.’


A NORTHERNER WALKS INTO A BAR in the Deep South around Christmas time. A small nativity scene is behind the bar, and the guy says, ‘That’s a nice nativity scene. But how come the three wise men are all wearing firemen’s hats?’ ‘Well, it says right there in the Bible: the three wise men came from a-far,’ drawls the bartender.




AN AUSSIE AND A KIWI WALK INTO A BAR. They have quite a few drinks. The Aussie says, ‘If I sneak over to your place and make wild passionate love to your wife and she gets pregnant and has a baby, would that make us related?’ The Kiwi scratches his head, thinking long and hard about his friend’s question. Finally, he says, ‘Well, I don’t know about related, bro, but it sure would make us even!’


A TEXAN WALKS INTO A BAR in Ireland and clears his voice to address the crowd of drinkers. He says, ‘I hear you Irish are damn good drinkers. I’ll give 500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.’ The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. ‘Is your bet still good?’ asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other patrons cheer as the Texan watches in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, ‘If you don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for the past 30 minutes?’ The Irishman replies, ‘Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.’



A JEWISH MAN WALKS INTO A BAR and sits down beside a Chinese man. All of a sudden the Jew turns and punches the Chinese in the face, knocking him off his stool. Stunned, the Chinese man gets up and says, ‘What the hell was that for?’ The Jew replies, ‘That was for Pearl Harbour.’ The Chinese man says, ‘That was the Japanese, I’m Chinese.’ The Jew says, ‘Well, you have black hair, squinty eyes and buckteeth, it’s all the same to me.’ The Chinese man says, ‘OK,’ sits back on his stool and continues drinking. Half an hour later the Chinese man turns and punches the Jew in the face, knocking him off his stool. The Jew gets up and says, ‘What the hell was that for?’ The Chinese man says, ‘That was for the Titanic.’ The Jew replies, ‘The Titanic? That was an iceberg.’ The Chinese man says, ‘Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinberg, it’s all the same to me.’